angstxxasthenia

Well I haven't even thought about this journal in forever.  Good job me.  Junior year is causing me ridiculous anxiety.  I haven't been to my therapist in .. over a month.  I just stopped going.  I wonder if he wonders what happened to me?  I think its sadly laziness.  I hated being dragged out into the cold and the car winter nights.  Weather is nicer though so maybe I'll go back.  I want to be a psychologist after all and talking to a real one helps.  I have a psychiatrist appointment on the 30th!! I'm so excited.  I hope the professionals listen to what I want - - I already researched it!!  I wanna go on Wellbutrin.  It doesn't cause weight gain (that would make me MORE depressed.)  And it makes you pumped for life instead of apathetic/tired.  Ahh.  So excited <3 I hope they listen to what I want though =/ .   I have anxiety (obviously) and apparently Wellbutrin aggravates it but... Oh well I can live, the depression is what gets to me.

I'm extremely picky about colleges and have no license to be; My GPA is going to be about 3.3!  Terrible >.<  I'm so much smarter than that.  Fucking depression.  So far my favorites are Kenyon (reach for sure) and Flagler (think I could get in no problems, but maybe being cocky?)..

I haven't fallen in love with any others =/  For some reason aesthetics are ridicoulously important to me.  I guess I feel that living somewhere ugly would make me feel more depressed...

I want to go somewhere on the small side.  Prestige doesn't matter.  Beautiful campus is a must.  Preferably more open-minded kids - more socially liberal and what-not.  Psychology major.  Study abroad program.  Out of state for me.  Co-ed.  Rural is better.

Oy.  Anyway I really dig the beautiful rural colleges, and if not that then very nice-looking colleges on the coast.  Haven't really found anything I I'd deem special other than the two I mentioned >.<

Haven't binged in 17 days!!! =] This is a level up for my mood XD  Also.. I'm dating T again.  I love him =]  I broke up with Aaron.  Very messy.  All my fault.  Ugh.  But I love boy so much it doesn't matter.  I never thought dating someone a second time could work, but our relationship is 100x better this time around!!  We have 4 months together before he leaves for college =/ Guess I should make the most of it.

Oy.

Ate two 100-cal packs, 1 zoneperfect bar, and Amy's Asian Noodle Stirfry.  Feel completely full.  700/1400 so far =]
I need to forget my past mistakes.  I've learned from them and there's no logical sense in berating myself over the past. Today is a new day.  I'll lose weight the right way =]  I feel positive.

I don't feel secure. Last night I cried on my floor and thought about all the different ways I could commit suicide. I've binged pretty much every day of November  & December, save a few days of starving here and there.  I weigh 154 fucking pounds. Fuck. I'm probably 5'7''.  Thats a BMI of 24.1.. ew I'm practically overweight.  My goal is probably somewhere between 115-125.  I know I'll only be satisfied with 115 ish.  So.. time to g t serious and lose 39 lbs. *Sigh* I can't decide whether or not to starve or not.  I haven't eaten yet today.  But IDK. Counting calories has worked in the past.  IDK IDK IDK!! I guess a goal of 1400 calories a day is good.  I have a date? with Aaron tueday or wednesday. I don't want to be the fat chik =/

Okay I'm gonna count calories. And stay between 1300-1400 daily.  This works. <3 I have the proof of the past.  I can slowly add in the treadmill too =] And homework/cleaning!!

Okay its 12:05 PM.. havent eaten yet. I guess I will have 700 now and 700 later for dinner.

Good luck to me <3
 

Today I weight 135 apparently.  =] =] (My mini goal. Also meaning only 10 lbs left!!) That is probably innacurate because 2 days ago I was 138, and even water weight doesn't drop that fast.  But hey, I'm guessing I'm not more than 137. 

Yesterday I finally got to go to the mall.  I got my homecoming dress!! its golden leopard print.  i'm wearing a little black sweater over it.  and i bought the cutest black shoes at lord & taylor holy shit. Wow i sound like a fucking girl.  eh but these shoesss.. i love them.  so i'm not sure if i look classy or prostituty but either way i love it.  i feel pretty.  (i need to feel that way moree).  I love accutane.  this shit better keep working.

and i got another shirt from sinful.  its long sleeves & black with a rad wing on it and stuffs on the back. it cost like $75. my dress was like $55. haha.. oops.

Yo-ho

So maybe I'm just another angst-ridden teenager needing to express herself via the internet.  Maybe I'm not.  Maybe my problems are absolutely real.  Maybe none of us are absolutely real and this is all somebody's sick dream.  Or maybe all of us are actually asleep and dreams are 80 years long.  It doesn't really matter.  My point is that I found it necessary to create a livejournal.  Because facebook is for connecting not for expressing.  And nothing else will really cut it at the moment. 

I have a lot of problems.  I suffer from depression/SAD.  (I'm depressed all year long but its a lot worse in the winter).  I cycle through multiple eating disorders.  (It .. oscillates.. between anorexia and binge eating disorder.  I'm no longer bulimic.  Thank god.)  Losing weight and being fit & beautiful is pretty much the center of my world.  Oh and the guy I love.  Hmmm. <3  I'm 5'6.5''  Maybe 5'7'' now..  137/138 lbs.  I was 156 lbs july 20th.  So i've lost 19 lbs.  Not bad.  I want to be 125.  And At the lowest 120.  But the anorexic thoughts pour in also.  Starving is so much easier.  Its so much easier to be beautiful skin & bones and starve myself, feeling the comforting burn of hunger, than to eat a healthy balance.  Blah.  So I upped it to 1600 calories a day.  I'll go into this more later.

I'm paranoid.  Somewhat OCD.  Anxious.  Beginning to think I have an anxiety disorder.  I am incapable of eating in front of my father.  I used to cut.  *Sigh*

Today I've been thinking about a lot.